21

21….I am 21 years old today. It doesn’t seem right; surely there has been a mistake, surely I am still only 18.

But of course, there has been no mistake. These last three years, with all their beauty, confusion, struggles, mistakes and triumphs really did happen. I have this blog to prove that. I started this blog when I was 18, intent on being a published author by the time I was 21. That never happen…but a lot of other things happened. Life happened. Two and a half years later, I am still very much the same wide-eyed girl, still impulsive, still very much a dreamer; still consumed by the same, strange longing which drives me to put words on a page, trying to answer the hidden questions that burn my soul.

And yet, I have changed. I have grown up. I have seen what I can do…and what I cannot do. My dreams have been tempered by life, they have been changed and altered, but, I think, for the better. The last few years of my life, recorded on this blog, have been the most interesting of my life. I have learned so much, felt so much. I can never be the same, but this time the change does not scare me. Change, I have learned, is my friend.

I used to think that contentment meant learning to accept your circumstances and draw every last bit of beauty out of them. That is a part of contentment, true, but I have learned that there is another part, a bigger part. Circumstances change; God rarely gives only set of conditions to each person in their life. He gave us the world, the shifting, inconstant world. . .and He gave us ourselves. No one, no matter who patient and uncomplaining, will every be truly content until they are content to accept the burdens of personality God had given to them. To know yourself, as a human being made in the image of God, as a sinner redeemed though the blood of Christ, to be content in who you are–that is the most difficult challenge of all.  And that is the challenge I have learned to accept.

 

I am 21 and now is the time for new beginnings.

One such new beginning will be starting today. I am closing down this blog (or rather, will not be updating anymore). If you like, you can follow my ramblings at my new blog here. Looking forward to the new and old challenges life throws at me!

 

Life as it passes

No, I’m not dying. Neither have I been in a coma since January 24. I have simply been busy…and forgetful. In all fairness, I’ve been working up to and sometimes over forty hours a week; and until three weeks ago I was also in school.

It’s amazing how quickly work and college can swallow your life. Both have been time and thought consuming; yet both have been fulfilling. I have won several victories over the last few months. April and May, in particular, were amazing. I submitted an essay written for my English class to the college’s best essay contest…and won first place. That was amazing, just knowing, or receiving confirmation that I really do have a gift with writing. In the wake of that win, I came to several realizations. The most important of which is the newfound desire to pursue a BA in creative writing. Somebody  said it was interesting watching me go full circle: from wannabe writer, to EMT, to CNA and now back to writer. I guess I did go full circle!

The other victory I have had lately was being voted Employee of the Month. Being the way I am, I care (and care very much) what others think of me…mostly only the people I respect. So it was great, getting that honor, knowing that my efforts aren’t going unseen.

 

Well, this is neither the longest nor the best blog post I have ever done, but I’m going to publish it now, just so it’s out there and I can’t procratinate. I have missed this blog.

 

The Dread Monster: Homework

Okay, I admit it. Being home schooled does have at least one major difference from out-of-the-house school: I never had any homework. Now, however, I have my pick of homework. . .including my 5 page, double-spaced personal narrative essay due this Friday.

I don’t know why they call it homework. Mine has been following me everywhere, and not limiting itself to home. It even followed me to work where I began correcting the grammar of a 90-something, very confused resident (much to the entertainment of my fellow aides). What can I say? I’m eating, drinking and breathing grammar, spelling and thesis statements right now.

 

The Start of Something New

Funny how life works. No sooner did I announce my intention to resume regular blogging than my computer died.

And no sooner did my computer die than did I not come into a large sum of money. So, no computer, no money to replace it. Thank goodness for the library!

Computer woes aside, I’ve been dong very well recently. Work is going great (other than that there is too much of it) and Monday starts my new semester at college. I’m pretty excited about it; nervous and excited. I always said I wouldn’t go to college unless I was going for something and now here I am, a little older than your typical first year college student but with a direction in mind.

Of course, going to college will mean getting out of bed before 8 am. . .

 

Breaking the Silence, Part Two

The following are things which have kept my busy during my month-long vacation from the blogosphere.

1. I have been working a lot. 40 hours a week easy, often as much as 60 hours a week (EMT shifts are 24 hour shifts).
2. Consequently, I spend a lot of time on the road.
3. I have been reading a lot. Lloyd Alexander, Ursula Le Guin, Frank Herbert and Gail Carson Levine are just a few of the many authors whose works I have been devouring lately.
4. I have been watching a lot of movies, including, but not limited to: The Namesake, Extraordinary Measures, The Quest for Camelot, Milo and Otis, the Cosby Show, Quantum Leap.
5. I have gone to the movie quite a lot lately; I saw Tron Legacy, Unstoppable and the Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
6. I have been writing more poetry and have been in the mulling-over stage of turning a few of my older, unfinished stories into short, completed, stories.
7. I have been going out a lot more often with friends.
8. I have been getting ready to start classes in January.
9. I was part of an EMS funeral for a coworker of mine who was killed while on duty. That was a solemn experience I was honored to be a part of. . .though I never want to go through that ever again!!
10. I avidly followed the Sing Off on TV.

 

Breaking The Silence

I break my almost month-long silence to wish everyone happy holidays and I hope you all had a good Christmas. I know I did!

Two posts to follow soon: one of updates and the other just random stuff.

 

Tests, Phone Calls and Why I Haven’t Updated

It began two weeks ago when the state of Indiana finally gave me a test date for my CNA certification: December 3. Given that they had initially told me I would be tested in early November. . .well, you can probably guess my sentiments toward bureaucracy at the moment.

With a big test like that, I had been spending most of my time with my nose to a book (a not-so-unusual state of affairs, except that this was a text-book). And then, one day last week, right in the middle of a particularly deep study session, I got a phone call from my CNA job; one of the girls had turned in her notice and could I please take over her hours? Oh, and those hours include today, half an hour ago. So between work, study, other work and sleep, I have neglected this poor blog.

Anyrate, my CNA state test was Friday——and I passed. And not by the skin of my teeth, either.

Now it’s off to church, and then work. My next day off is Friday. Sheesh, that girl picked some lousy hours!

 

I Always Said. . .

There’s a golf course right next to the road on the way to my EMS job–which is also the way Mom and I usually go to get groceries.

Now, I don’t know if the golf course was there first or the road; but either way it represents bad planning. There is no fence of any kind to contain stray golf balls and the road curves around half the perimeter of the course. In other words: no matter which way you’re going, you are usually starring some golfer in the face as he swings, praying he has good aim. Despite all of the above, I’ve never heard of a car being struck by a golf ball. But still, I was never convinced of the safety, forethought or any other kind of thought that went into the location of that course.

Last week I was proven correct. Last week Mom and I were coming home after a long grocery shopping event and were rounding the final curve that borders the course. . .when we both happened to look up. Up in the sky, way above us a golf ball was at the highest point of its arc and beginning its return trip to earth. Unfortunately, our car stood in its way. Breaks were slammed, horns were honked, many a choice word were uttered and by the grace of God and Mom’s quick reflexes, said ball missed us by less than three feet.

Back on the course, a fat man in a pink shirt simply stood there, golf club over his shoulder and a sort of half-hearted “Oops” on his face. Might I suggest that if you almost hit a moving motor vehicle with a horrendously ill-aimed attempt at golf, the look on your face ought to be closer to fear or horror than “Oops, oh well”?

 

Snapshot of Contentment

Working a second shift job that’s half an hour away from my house has me doing a lot of driving well after sunset. I’ve always liked riding after dark; I don’t particularly like driving after dark, though. But last night I discovered a new form of contentment/happiness: driving on a country road, good country music on the radio, a Mello Yello in my cup holder and hot fries in my hand, my headlights reflecting off a sign saying I’m ten miles from home; knowing the job I left was a job well done. 

A crisp wind and a starry sky would have fit well into the scene, but unfortunately the only wind last night was bitterly cold accompanied by a rather dreary cloud cover. Everything else was perfect. Simple, ordinary and completely reproducible. . .but perfect.

 

Paying Job Number Two

For the last couple weeks I have been descending upon nursing homes and hospitals, speaking to more receptionists than one could man an army with and filling out an enormous amount of applications. One of the nursing homes in particular stood out as one I wanted to work at. I was very persistant in follow-up calls and now I am in possesion of two paying, tax-deductable jobs.

Orientation starts Tuesday at 10 am. I wonder why all my orientations seem to start at 10 am?

Anyrate, my newest job is part-time, probably every other weekend and a couple days during the week. I’m very excited!

 

Three Weeks Have Ended

How is it possible that the last three weeks have just seemed to fly by, and yet I feel like I’ve lived half a lifetime in them?

My CNA course has ended and I am very satisfied with the level of training I have received. (This kind of stings to say, considering how much effort I put in to my EMT dreams, but I feel much better suited to a nursing career. Oh, well. The skills I learned from my brief stint as an EMT will forever be useful.)

Yesterday was quite a day of goodbyes–I guess it’s impossible to move forward without leaving something behind. In the morning we headed out to the facility one last time and said goodbye to everyone we have been caring for in the last two weeks. That was pretty emotional; like our instructor says, “if you’re really doing the job, it is almost impossible to care for someone without caring about them.” Then we headed back to the classroom to take our final test, say goodbye to our instructors and each other. In the last three weeks it is amazing how much the group has bonded. It’s kind of sad that I may not see any of those people again.

I am happy to report that I passed my final and am eligible to take the state test! A 75% was needed to pass and I got a 93%. As I need an 85% to pass the state written test, I’m feeling pretty confident. Out of the twelve people in the class to start with, we ended up with eleven and so far as I know, everyone passed with no score lower than an 80%. I think that speaks a lot for the kind of training we received.

Next is sending out applications: one to take the state test and the rest to different places where I’m interested in working. Right now I am thinking about taking a job in a hospital, long-term care facility, home health care or hospice. So many options! So many choices!

 

Not That Old Lady

This story needs some background. This past week was my second at CNA school. . .also known as the start of clinicals! We have six 8-hour days in an actual facility and during that time we are doing the work of CNA’s. Pretty exciting!Anyrate, Friday at about noon I was sent to relieve someone on “guard duty”; a family was moving stuff out of a residents room and needed a side door left open, so I told to watch the door and keep residents from just walking out. I did my job.

I might have done it a bit too well. The residents at said facility don’t wear ID bracelets or anything and it was only my second day there, so I was just on the look out for anyone I recognized or who fit the parameters. One such older lady came out of a different room and made a bee-line straight for the open door. I stepped in front of her and politely told her she couldn’t leave from that door. She looked at me, flung her arms up in the air and exclaimed: “Not again! Honey, I don’t live here! I’m with them!” (Pointing desperately to the family loading a dresser onto their truck.) While it is my natural inclination to believe people, I thought better safe than sorry around people with Alzheimer’s and so thinking did not move from my position. Thankfully at that point one of the family looked up, saw what was going on and verified her story.

In such a position there is very little one can do but laugh, so laugh I did. . .after getting out of the woman’s way. Thankfully, she and her family went with laughing too instead of say, complaining. Her son in particular thought it was just too funny that his 91 year-old mother had been stopped from leaving the building twice. Me, I was just glad I wasn’t the only one to have done it. 

When I gave the report to my instructor, her “medical mask” dropped in the time it took to give off the loudest shriek of giggles I have ever heard. In my defense, the lady was 91 years old.

 

Robbing Peter to Pay Paul

Now, I don’t usually post much about my personal finances and whatnot. . .for the simple reason that I don’t usually think much about it. Budgets are glorified numbers and while the uneasy truce mathematics and I have is holding, they (numbers) don’t stick around in my head any longer than they have to and sometimes not even that long.

However, despite the aforementioned, I have come to the conclusion that I felt warranted a blog post: The proper handling of finances is a hybrid between juggling and mathematics. I don’t really like either one, but I dislike having no money more, so I guess I’ll get back to work on my checkbook.

 

Concerning Personalities

One thing my EMS coworkers have remarked upon is my quiet, easygoing but very focused nature. They seem to think it’s odd how when I walk into a station, I pick a spot, arrange my stuff, grab a book or a notebook and then be quite content to stay there for hours, absorbed in what I’m doing when everyone else is grabbing either the remote or the keys out of sheer boredom. Actually, their reactions to my actions kind of reminds me of that scene in Beauty and the Beast when all the villagers are singing about how odd that bookish Belle is. Of course, I don’t mention that to said coworkers because either a) I’ll get a blank stare or b) I’ll get laughed at for citing a Disney kid’s movie.

I never really thought about it, but I guess I do kind of have a bit of a lone-wolf streak in me. I’m definitely a homebody and very rarely look outside of myself for my entertainment. I don’t really hang around with a group of peers. It’s not that I’m an introvert per se; I have many friends of all different ages and of both genders, at gatherings such as church I’m usually quite busy making the rounds to see how everyone is doing. I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and many times will engage a complete stranger in a friendly chat. I guess I’m just one of those people who is perfectly content to keep themself entertained and who doesn’t like to be always be hustling about. One thing I do have to watch out for is not to slip into complacency, like I have before. Because I am easygoing and don’t really like change, sometimes it is far too easy for me to slip into the rut of complacency. This tendency to react instead of act has caused most of the problems I have in my life; so I guess there are benefits and downfalls to everything. But on the whole, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being the way I am. God has made each of us the way we are for a purpose, a purpose we can’t fulfil by trying to be anyone else. One thing I have come to realize recently is that I will find no peace if I try to deny a part of myself (and I’m not talking the sin nature here; I’m talking about aspects of personality, who we are underneath everything), whether that part be the dreamer, the late bloomer or the easygoing aspect.  

 And after all, the world would get pretty boring if we all were the same!

Well, it’s safe to say that post did not turn out like I was expecting! I guess that came from me trying to figure some stuff out. I will say this: confusion does make for good poetry and long blog posts.

 

I Now Present. . .

. . .my car.

Wow. After what seemed a very long time of saving and waiting, I finally have a car.

It’s a 1991 Pontiac Grand Am; in mostly perfect working order. The windows leak a little, hence the gray strips otherwise known as duct tape.  She’s no sports car or anything fancy but the mechanic said the engine is great and if I take very good care of her, she should last me a long time. Not bad for a car that’s almost as old as me! (Not, mind, that I think I’m old or anything.) Anyrate, I got my car from a friend for quite a discount price. Maybe there is something to be said for patience and taking your time. Now I just have to scrape together enough money to title and license it.

The back. . .

And the interior. . .

And in my longstanding tradition of naming inanimate objects, my car has since adopted the name of ”Livy”. Please don’t laugh.

 

CNA School: Day One

I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but a couple of weeks ago I signed up for a three-week Certified Nursing Assistant. Today was the first day of that class.

As it is often painfully obvious, I am not a morning person; and as it happens, the class starts at the unearthly hour–in my book–of 8:30 am. But, I did get there and even a little early. I wish I could say I was all there mentally. . .but I sort of introduced myself to one girl using her name and after that, well, let’s just say any attempts to look totally serious and utterly professional would have failed miserably. So I didn’t even try.

There were 12 of us in the class, and of that 12, 11 of us were female between the ages of 19 and 30. I kind of felt badly for our lone male. The instructor, DP, is a Licensed Practical Nurse who (thank goodness) is super-hands on. Anything that was discussed was discussed in full. In the first part of the day our instructor introduced herself and her subject matter, explained the rules, dress code and such (as seems to be the norm for first day of class). In the rest of our lecture time we covered the basic healthcare system, the role of the CNA, different places a CNA might work, interpersonal skills, body mechanics and such like. Our “lab” time was filled with what might be viewed as unnecessary and even funny: we were taught how to wash our hands, make a bed and take off gloves. Actually, I’m glad the basics were covered so thoroughly.

One thing is for sure: my time as an EMT has definitely given me a leg up; I already know about half the content of the course. After the seriously out-of-depth feeling I’ve had because of driving the ambulance and really inadequate EMT training, it’s really nice to go into something and feel completely comfortable and prepared.

 

On Cell Phones

Remember the cell phone from a few posts back? It died on me and wouldn’t be revived by threats of replacement.

I have had that un-glamorous cell phone for two years. What it lacked in looks and “coolness” it more than made up for in sturdiness and down-right toughness. Show me the i-pad or droid that can be stepped on, sat on, dropped or accidently thrown and still work for 2+ years. Unfortunately, I think all the abuse finally caught up with it because the ringer broke; something I didn’t know until I checked my missed calls and found out that Dispatch had called me five times.

Now, as a PRN I kind of rely on my cell phone for work because Dispatch will call with availible shifts and it’s first come, first served. So I had to retire that phone and finally replace it—and this time I did indulge in a cool-ish phone while remaining true to my under $4o price limit: no camera, web access or anything of that sort but it is a flip-phone. That’s kind of cool and it has a cute ringtone that sounds like one of those really old phones.